Have you wanted to do a better job helping people when they’re struggling or grieving? This video is for you then. Hey everybody, I’m Dr. Drew Ramsey. I’m a psychiatrist. That’s my couch right there and this channel is all about things like Nutritional Psychiatry and Mental Fitness, how we take care of our mental health and build our mental health. This is part of our series called Grief Maxxing, which is about trying to do a better job with our grief and one of the things that is really important in that is understanding when you’re around people who are grieving, how to be of support to them and also how to make sure that you’re approaching this in a way that doesn’t challenge or derail your own mental health. So let’s get into it.
Today I want to introduce you to one of the most useful frameworks that I’ve found for helping support people when they’re going through grief and also protecting yourself in the process. It’s called ring theory. It was developed by psychologist Susan Silk and mediator Barry Goldman. And I love it because it’s simple, it’s visual, and it really helps you understand your role. I think all of us really don’t like that moment where you’re feeling kind of awkward or uncomfortable. You don’t know how to help. You know you’re not supposed to fix things, but what should you do? Ring theory is going to help you sort this out. Let’s get into it.
Here’s the core idea of ring theory. You want to take the person who’s had the loss, the person who’s grieving, and put them in the center of a circle. I want you to draw a circle around them and then you want to draw some concentric circles going outward. So the person who’s grieving is in the middle and that’s how we’re going to visualize and think about grief for them and how to help them grieve. So the grieving persons in the middle and then each subsequent circle, the first one are going to be the people who are closest. This would be closest friends and family. The next ring out might be coworkers, people who interact with you on a daily basis. The next ring out might be neighbors or acquaintances or people who are in your church group, folks that you know and and are familiar with, but maybe they’re not part of your personal life. And the ring theory is simple. Comfort goes in and dumping goes out. And that really helps us be oriented as to what your role is by understanding what ring you’re in based on your relationship with the person who’s grieving.
As a psychiatrist, one of the things I witness most often in my work is how hard it is and and how challenging it can be to sit with people when they’re really struggling with grief, with significant emotional pain. Almost always there’s that natural human impulse we have. We want to be of help, we want to fix something, or maybe make it seem a little smaller. Things are going to be better tomorrow. Or we want to fill the silence when there’s silence. Maybe we start talking about our own experiences, our own grief. We start dumping. So staying really oriented to where you are is quite important. So you don’t end up bringing your own grief, your own trauma into this scenario, because that’s not what it needs. As you’re trying to help someone who’s in emotional pain or grieving, folks can end up saying things like, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, or wow, this is so incredibly hard for you. Statements that really come from a loving place, but oftentimes aren’t that helpful.
A lot of times we want to try and kind of minimize emotion as opposed to sitting with people. And this is where the ring theory is really so helpful. So you can be a little bit more oriented and be thinking, are you dumping and not paying attention when you’re in an outer ring, as opposed to maybe thinking about comfort? This is why we bring casserole dishes to people. This is why we give people little gift bags, this is why we take folks on walks when they’re grieving and just try and listen, right? Because we want to give them that comfort and allow them to dump or to express or discharge a lot of the painful feelings they’re having. I can tell you from clinical experience, people aren’t going to do this unless you act appropriately, unless you really are oriented to who you are in their life and they sense that they can share things with you. Because when you’re grieving, and I’m sure so many of you have experienced this, you share something. “I’m feeling so down, I got a cancer diagnosis.” And someone says, “my gosh, my cousin just got cancer. It’s really awful, right?” They’re maybe trying to relate or associate, but they’re not thinking through. Their job is to receive that and and not necessarily to have to relate to it, but to listen, to be of support, to be of comfort.
Ring theory really helps us see that when we bring our own distress and discomfort into a situation, particularly when we’re in those outer concentric circles, and we kind of flood the situation, flood that middle with our own emotions, we’re not doing our job. We’re not being helpful. We’re really causing a lot more distress to somebody who’s already in plenty of distress. And this is where this theory can be so helpful and so powerful for us.
The research on grief support is pretty clear. It is not about getting the words perfect. It’s really about being there with someone, letting them know they’re not alone, letting them know they have support. You don’t have to get the words right. A lot of people do need to work on this, and maybe you do, and this is why this video found you, of not bringing your own stress, trauma, drama into the situation, but being steady and being of support. I think about this is a lot as a psychiatrist. People talk with me about really personal, really powerful feelings all day long. And of course, it triggers and generates a lot in me, but it’s really helpful that I’m oriented, right? You don’t want me saying, my gosh, I’ve had those feelings, or my gosh, you know, I’ve been in that same situation. That that wouldn’t probably be as helpful as me listening, receiving everything you have to say, and then trying to be thoughtful when you have questions or thinking about next steps. But not really trying to fix, dismiss, or overly relate to you by my own experience.
Practically, what does this look like? Well, number one, I would say showing up without an agenda, dropping off a casserole with just a nice note, leaving a message, just saying, “hey, I’m thinking about you. You don’t need to call back. I know you’re doing a lot, you’re feeling a lot. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and I’m here for you.” Don’t have an agenda about what you need to do or someone needs to do. Now I do think there may be some little caveats. If you know someone is really struggling with isolation, they haven’t been out of the house, maybe being a little nudge and saying, I want to get some fresh air with you, take them on a walk, take them on a little drive but try to not have an agenda. I would say intuitively, as you sit with people who are in distress, your role and what needs to be done will become really apparent. It’s not about fixing things again, it’s about helping people. Hold space and sit with powerful feelings.
Number two, asking what they need instead of deciding for them. Everybody grieves differently. Some people really want to speak with you about the person they lost or what’s happened to them. Other people want to be distracted and talk about other things. Some people are going to want to go and be active. Other people are going to want to talk with you at home. It’s really variable and that’s where you’ve got to ask and then really honor what they say and and deliver.
So ask people what they need. Don’t burden them. I think this is also what people are always getting asked. “What do you need? How can I be of help?” That in and of itself can be a little challenging. Oftentimes people are very disoriented and somewhat dissociated. They need this person not to be gone or they need this diagnosis not to have happened, or this horrible tragic event not to have happened. In some ways they probably need some comfort and so be listening with the sense of what ring you’re in and and really what the person in the middle is saying.
Number three, not disappearing after the first couple of weeks. I see this happen all the time, and people disappear. After a week, you bring a casserole, write a note, make a call, send a few texts, and then move on. This is really where you want to be vigilant, especially if you’re in one of those inner circles. Grief isn’t linear and as you’ve heard throughout this grief maxxing series, there are lot of different phases to it, a lot of different stages, a lot of different feelings. Nonlinear is a word that comes up, meaning it doesn’t go from point A to point B, like you’re grieving, then it hurts less, it hurts less, it hurts less and now you’re better. That’s not how grief works. Nonlinear means it’s this like weird, secured, circuitous route. I’ll just say there is so much for you in terms of being of support, no matter what circle you’re in for this individual. Two weeks, three weeks, six months. I can’t tell you the number of times right here on my couch, someone will come in, sit down, and just lose it, start sobbing about, maybe it was four months ago, six months ago. It was the one-year anniversary and just hit them out of nowhere. So don’t disappear on the people who you care about or the people who you’re trying to help through their grief. It’s not day one, it’s not when all the drama and tears and pain are happening. That’s important but it’s not all of it. So much of grieving and so much of the really deep, nuanced, compelling or life-changing parts of grief, they often happen later in those months after the shock. So be there for your people later on.
What about for those of you who are in the middle of the ring? Well, ring theory offers something for you as well. Ring theory helps you be selective and thoughtful about where you’re putting your energy. Hopefully it keeps us oriented that our job in the midst of grieving is to be sharing when we can, to be discharging when we can. It’s as the ring theory calls it, “dumping,” putting it out into our support system when we can. It also gives you permission to say things like, “I don’t have the capacity for that right now, or can you call me tomorrow maybe and check about that? I can’t decide right now.”
Really, when you’re in the middle, it’s not your job to be caring for or comforting other people. It’s your job to be a person who is grieving, who is suffering. And the person who is depending on the support circles these concentric rings around you. Grief asks a great deal of everyone that it touches. Ring theory gives us a map. It doesn’t exactly make grieving easier in some sense. It’s painful, hard work, both for the individual in the middle and also for those of us who are in support in the sub concentric circles around them. But it does give us a map, it gives us an orientation, it gives us this simple phrase: comfort in, dump out. And so you’re aware of your role. And if you’re a grieving person, I hope it helps orient you in terms of thinking through the support you have, the difference between really close friends and family, and the comfort that we get sometimes from professionals, counselors, pastors, acquaintances, friends in our community, people who surprisingly can be very helpful in the grieving process. I hope, as with all of these videos in the grief maxxing series, this helps you think through and have some models and frameworks. Not just getting stuck in our grief, not being scared of it because it hurts so much. As you’ve seen in the other videos, I hope, reminding us that we grieve because we love.
If you’re in pain grieving, I do hope you can get a little space and remember that that’s because you did it. You did the thing, which is that you created a connection that’s so hard for us, that’s so important for us all. I hope this keeps you going. Please share this with anybody who needs some help in their grief. Please subscribe to the channel if you want to get more videos on Nutritional Psychiatry and Mental Fitness and leave a comment below if this helps or if there are other parts of grief and working through grief or ideas that have really been helpful to you. Thanks so much everybody. I’m Dr. Drew Ramsey. I’ll see you in the next video.
