Are you a good listener? Active listening is one of those skills people think they have or they don’t. It’s not true. There are five skills of active listening, and we’re going to get into them right now. Everybody, please subscribe to the channel so you can work on your mental fitness and share this video. I’m Dr. Drew Ramsey, I’m a board certified psychiatrist, and so I’m a professional listener. And listening, being very active, remembering what people say, really getting into the details, that is really the crux of my job. On this couch, if you’re not having the experience that I am listening to you in a more active, more intentional way than maybe anyone else, I don’t think I’m doing my job.
So in this video, I want to share some of the secrets and some of the ideas around active listening and these five skills that you can learn, you can get better at. Why? Because this series is about connection. And when we listen, we’re taking in information, we’re forming connections in a more detailed, more nuanced, and deeper way.
Body Language
Skill number one, body language. Before you even exchange a word with somebody, you’re taking in so much information. Are they busy and distracted on their phone? Are they really paying attention? And there are ways that you can signal to people that with your body, with your body language, that you’re actively listening.
This isn’t performative. You want to be really truly engaged, but when you’re engaged, you’re nodding along and someone is saying something, or when you’re disagreeing with them, or they’re in a spot that maybe is negative, you’re shaking your head. When things get intense, you you maybe lean in a little bit, or you know, you you have a real authentic reaction to what they’re saying. These are all parts of active listening and also things you can observe in people.
In my field in psychiatry, we talk about the mental status exam. And the very beginning of it is talking about someone’s appearance, not to judge them, but to note how someone’s groomed, how they’re holding themselves. Are they fidgeting? Are they slouchy? Are they bright and perky? And so body language tells us a lot, and it’s a part of active listening that often people skip.
The point is that your mind will follow your body. So taking a more active stance, being aware of what your body is communicating and what the person that you’re listening to, what their body is communicating, is an absolutely key part to being an active listener.
Reflecting
Skill number two is reflecting. It’s just repeating back what you’ve heard. Now, this skill kind of feels awkward at first, right? You’re just telling somebody exactly what they just told you. And in some ways that’s right, except you’re using your own words. Now, why do we do this? It’s really two reasons. The first is for the listener. They hear what they’re saying, and we’ve all had this experience. You describe a really tense situation to someone, and as you slow down and describe it in detail, you see it a little differently.
And then the second part is we as a listener checking in that that we understand what’s going on. And so reflecting back just in a quick way, sharing with the listener what you’re experiencing allows them to know that you’re there, you’re present, and you’re taking in the right information.
Clarification
Skill number three, I’d say psychiatrist secret, clarification. This is where we ask instead of assume. Now, so often when we’re not quite sure and we’re listening, we silently fill the gap. We kind of make a bunch of assumptions. We don’t want to interrupt someone. Clarification really requires us to pause and make sure that we’re getting the details right. We say, “well, you said overwhelm, but it sounds to me that you’re feeling really sad or down, or you were feeling really worried about what was happening in that meeting.” And you’re also letting the person know that you’re you’re really hearing the accurate true story, not just a set of assumptions.
The other thing I love about clarification is getting it wrong. I’d much rather get it wrong and be corrected than make an assumption and just be wrong.
Summarizing
Skill number four is summarizing. This is naming the through line. I love this moment when I’m sitting with people, and I’m sure you’ve had this experience too. And I want you to look for this in your conversation. Reflecting, that’s moment to moment, I think kind of sentence to sentence or paragraph to paragraph, nodding, leaning in. So when someone is feeling heard and also they’re sharing more, summarizing is when you’ve gotten the kind of bigger picture. You see the arc, you see the through line that you name it.
Now this is a really powerful moment where someone knows you’re not just nodding, you’re not performing, that you actually are synthesizing, you’re taking in what they’re saying, and you’re helping them kind of name and see a bigger picture of what’s going on.
Witholding Judgment
Skill number five, and this might be the hardest, withholding judgment. Now, this is the quietest skill, but I think kind of the hardest and really most powerful. When we withhold judgment, we create an opening for people. As soon as you come across as judgmental, and I’m sure you’ve experienced this, you shut down. You’re not going to share that maybe vulnerable, questioning, not sure thought because you don’t feel safe, you don’t feel secure.
Withholding judgment doesn’t mean that you don’t have an opinion. It’s just not time for your opinion. It’s time for you to be curious. You’re here to listen, you’re here to be of service and to help. You’re not here for judgment. And I see this happen all the time, and I’m sure you do in your conversations. Judgment shuts things down.
So be curious, inquisitive, use these active listening skills, but be really cautious. Judgment comes out in our reaction, in our facial expressions. It comes out with the questions. “Wow, no, you were thinking that? You took that? You saw him?” You don’t have to agree with everything that someone says. It’s just your opinion, your judgment, that can come later. This may be for a different conversation. When you’re a good active listener, you understand you’re separate from the other individual. And your job to be really connected to them authentically, to understand who they are with these active listening skills and reserve your judgment for much later after you’re really sure what’s going on, you’ve gotten a lot of details, and you’ve been in this curious active listening stance.
Five skills for active listening. Body language that signals your presence. Reflecting to let people know that you hear what’s going on. Clarifying so you don’t assume you get it right. Summarizing the bigger picture and the hardest withholding judgment. You’re not here to judge. You’re here to actively listen and you’re here to communicate an authentic connection.
You won’t use all five of these skills in every conversation. In the next video, we’ll talk about this deeper mode of listening and when it is and isn’t a good fit. But you’re here because I want you to practice one of these skills today. Pick one. Now, some of these you’re naturally good at. I want you to pick one that’s a bit of a challenge, an active listening challenge for you, and get after it today. You can build these skills, you become a better listener, you can deepen your connections with people and your understanding of who they really are by using these five simple skills, but you’ve got to practice. We all do. So work on becoming a better active listener today.
If you want to build more skills like this, please sign up for our Mental Fitness Mondays newsletter. We build a skill every week to help you improve your mental fitness, take better care of your mental health. Please share, subscribe, and leave a comment below if this is helping you become a better active listener or if you have any questions. We’ll see you in the next video.
